Newton’s Law of Action and Reaction states that for every action force exerted on an object, there is an equal force in the opposite direction—equal in intensity and along the same line, but facing the other way. For example, when a cannon fires a ball, the cannon recoils backward. Or, if you push off the bow of a boat while jumping ashore, the boat will drift backward.
There is also a lesser-known psychological law that functions in a similar way. When you take action based on an emotional impulse, that action feeds the very impulse that triggered it. Your outward action generates an inward reaction. But what does that really mean?
Let’s say you do something driven by an irrational sense of guilt. For example, you tend to justify yourself to others without any real reason. These justifications come from guilt, and through justifying yourself, you reinforce that guilt. The action (justifying) creates an inward energetic reaction that strengthens the impulse, paves the path, and affirms the validity of something that is, in fact, irrational.
Or to put it more accurately: it only seems irrational if we look strictly at the present moment. A guilt that now feels unfounded once had its reason for being. It’s an echo of earlier experiences where, in order to adapt to your environment growing up, you had to take on the role of “the guilty one.”
Back then, guilt may have played a protective role (if I feel guilty, I’ll be more careful not to do something that results in punishment or rejection). But today, it becomes a so-called “safe place” that actually drains your energy and exposes you to harm, because it makes you an easy target for those who are quick to blame.
This law of action and reaction also applies to fear. If you get out of bed in the middle of the night to check if the door is locked, even though you already know it is, that action feeds your fear. You’re reinforcing the impulse that made you double-check the door. And with that, the pathway from fear to action becomes even more firmly established.
The same goes for shame. Every time you obey shame, you make it stronger. For instance, you decide not to ask your boss for a raise—even though you clearly deserve one given your workload and experience. By acting according to shame, you’ve told your inner shame that it’s justified, that it has the right to limit you, that it holds power over your behavior. But that’s not the truth. It only means that someone in the past restricted your ability to communicate with authority figures. Maybe your father didn’t allow you a voice, or when you asked for something, you never received it—so eventually, asking for anything at all began to feel wrong.
Shame is unique in that the action it provokes is often inaction. When we feel shame, we freeze, hide, try to become invisible. But that withholding of action still feeds the shame, making it more stable and ingrained, just like with guilt and fear.
This law of action and reaction also applies to positive emotions. If you do something out of love, the impulse of love is nourished, supported, strengthened. If you act from joy, the joy within you grows stronger. When you take care of yourself, the impulse to care for yourself becomes more vital and more accessible.
Self-care is a special and broad topic that deserves an article of its own. But since it’s come up, here are a few specifics. Taking care of yourself can mean something as simple as making your favorite coffee or tea, eating a nourishing breakfast, taking a nap, enjoying a long shower not just for hygiene but for pleasure, or sitting on a park bench and people-watching.
Of course, it can also mean getting a massage or haircut, cuddling with your cat, or spending a weekend by the sea. Anything that calms you, satisfies your needs, and helps you feel more present in your body and senses is self-care. What matters most is that the care truly comes from the impulse to care for yourself. If you go for a walk just because it’s a nice day and you feel like you should, or get a massage because it’s a “formula for relaxation,” or eat a healthy lunch simply because it’s “the right thing,” or go to the seaside because it’s expected of you—you may not end up feeling truly cared for.
Some people have such a buried self-care impulse that they can’t feel it at all. They know perfectly well how to care for a child, a partner, or a pet—but can’t seem to offer that same care to themselves. This just means no one ever showed them how. No one lovingly and attentively met their childhood needs, listened to their desires, or created an environment where they felt comfortable and safe.
We learn how to treat ourselves based on how those closest to us treated us. If the people around us didn’t take proper care of us, we internalize that pattern and neglect ourselves too. But that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. All the care we so easily give to others can become the care we naturally give to ourselves.
To begin, we can start by tuning in. Ask yourself several times a day: What do I want? What would feel good right now? What do I really need? The answers might not come immediately, but over time, they will begin to appear—at first shyly, tentatively. Especially if you’re someone who never had the chance to learn how to care for yourself.
The impulse you listen to, the one you act on, is the one you strengthen. It’s the law of action and reaction. An outward action creates an inward reaction—it feeds the impulse that gave rise to it. Pay attention to the impulses that drive your actions. Feed the ones you want more of. After reading this article, something will surely feel at least a little different.
Tomica Šćavina©.
